I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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