Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
