hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
