i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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