were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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