I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
