Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
