Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize