Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
