tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
