I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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