guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so much tequila, so little girl.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
