im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
