i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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