I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
