I need to stop coming to work sober
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
