I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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