I accidentally burped into my bong.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
