im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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