so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
