i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
