i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If that was your dad, he is hot
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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