i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
