whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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