you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
