we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
