He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
