Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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