Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
