So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
