Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
