Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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