i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
