I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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