I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
