Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
