ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
