The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
