a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
