are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
