made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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