I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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