I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
