My sheets look like a crime scene.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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