her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
worst night to have a conscience
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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