I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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