Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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