I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
