I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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