there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
