that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Still dying that you shit outside
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
